Hot 'n Cold Kevin


Last year, I started chatting with this guy Kevin on Scruff.

He lived 2.5 hours from me in a college town in Missouri, where he was going back to school.

Kevin was somewhat new to same-sex dating. He'd been married twice before to women, but had also once dated a drag queen in St. Louis.

After several months of texting and talking, he finally asked to meet.

I drove down to his apartment one Friday night. Immediately, there was a connection. He had a real charisma, and we had great chemistry, accelerated by the months of getting to know each other. I ended up staying the night.

The next morning, Kevin received a phone call that wakes us both up. His pregnant sister’s car broke down an hour away, and he had to go pick her up. He apologized for the change of plans, but thought it best if I drove back home. However, he promised to come up and see me later that night.

Except, I didn't hear from him. I sent several texts, but he didn't reply. I left a phone message, but it went unreturned. Admittedly, I was crushed. I really liked this guy, and I thought there was a real connection - more than I'd experienced in quite some time.

So I hand wrote him a letter, voicing how disappointed I was that he didn't respond to any of my messages, which seemed inconsistent to things he said while I was down.

A few days later, I got a text from him saying he received the letter, and how touched he was by it, and how sorry he was that he just dropped off like that. He asked if he could call me.

Naturally, I wanted to hear from him, and see what was going on, so I said yes.

When we spoke, he claimed that his life had been nuts the last few weeks. Between his own work and school, his brother had apparently been arrested in a drug deal gone wrong, and was currently in jail. (I later fact checked the story online, and it seemed to hold up.)

Essentially, we picked up where we left off.

Over the following weeks, we talked on the phone every night, sometimes for hours. We discussed his rough childhood, how he had a father who had abandoned him and his mother, how he still considered himself bi and had not come out to his family, even though he admitted to me he was likely more gay than bi.

I decided to drive down and surprise him over Labor Day weekend. He hadn't been feeling great, and had to work for most of it, so I thought I'd cheer him up. When I showed up at the restaurant where he worked, he seemed genuinely surprised and excited to see me.

However, he felt so ill by Sunday, I brought him to the emergency room, which turned into a 6-hour visit. He had a urinary tract infection that had traveled to his kidneys.

The next morning, he got a call from the hospital with his test results – he had an STD: chlamydia. He claimed he got it from his last girlfriend, which was 6 months ago.

When I returned home, I went to my local clinic to get tested. It took a week to hear back; but I also tested positive for chlamydia.

I tried calling to tell him, but he wouldn’t respond to my texts or calls. He claimed he was too busy and would touch base later. But later never came.

So I drove back down to his apartment one afternoon and waited for him to get back from school.

Naturally, he was surprised to see me. I wanted to know what was up with the mixed signals.

Why do we talk for hours a day one week, sharing our vulnerabilities and histories, yet the next week he can't make any time to reply to a text message?

He claimed he didn't have time to talk now, as he was just called into work, and he was sorry I drove all this way for nothing. Maybe we could speak over the weekend.

I drove back home. But we didn't speak that weekend. Or the next week. Or the next month.

I was tired of this inconsistent behavior, so I gave up on him.

In December, when I realized it was finals week, I decided to send a text message to see how his semester went. He replied immediately, saying how good it was to hear from me. He claimed to have been in the hospital 4 more times since I last saw him, and that life was still nuts on his end.

The next day Kevin called me. We picked right back up where we left off, like nothing had changed. He said I gave him a sense of love and belonging that he’d never experienced before. He drove up the next day to surprise me, and he stayed for the entire weekend.

He came back the following weekend. And the next. He met my friends. He cooked dinner for a group of us. He began to integrate into my life, and it was awesome.

He seemed to have made a real turnaround, like everything was fine.

One night, after drinking too much, I began to feel vulnerable and low for some reason - I'd enjoyed our relationship so much that I was afraid he would disappear again.

Kevin promised he wouldn’t do that. He said that I made him feel a way he'd never felt. His words seemed authentic. He seemed sincere. More importantly, I wanted to believe him.

Over the next week, he called just to say he wanted to hear my voice, and how much he missed me.

And then I drove down to visit him a week before my sister's wedding. He had planned to come, but had now changed his mind. He said he didn't want to meet my family. He didn't want to be in family pictures. He claimed he had never really wanted to go.

I was annoyed, and hurt. And frustrated. And mad at myself for allowing this to happen again.

So I drove back home.

He promised to see me on Christmas.

But the next day he hardly responded to texts, claiming he was having cell phone problems. Then he stopped responding altogether.

The last message I got from him was a naked snapchat a week later, then I never heard from him again.

Kevin didn't wish me a Merry Christmas, but he did manage to wish all of my friends happy birthday over the coming months on FaceBook.

This type of hot and cold behavior baffles me. I don't understand how people could be so inconsistent. And to ghost someone on top of it is perhaps the most disrespectful thing you could do, especially from someone you have feelings for and are intimately involved with.

I shouldn't have given him a chance after the first time he ghosted me. Or the second.

Now, I hear Kevin's dating a Hooter’s waitress.

Have you been taken for a ride?

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