Down Low and Dirty

A few years ago, when I lived in Long Beach, I was recovering from a breakup with my boyfriend of three years. To help get over him, I began chatting online, trying to meet new guys.

On one night, I was particularly horny when a "discreet jock” hit me up. He claimed to be bisexual, and was taking a break from chicks.

The usual correspondence and exchange of pictures ensued. Eventually, we decided to meet up, even though he lived in the valley.

I decided to drive up to meet him.

On the drive to his home, he texted a more “discreet” details.

1. He lived in his parents' house.

2. The house was dark, but he would meet me outside.

3. He’d have to sneak me in past their room.

I was practically there, and it almost sounded a bit exciting.

I parked my car and walked down the dark street lit only by one flickering streetlight.

A dark figure stood across the street. “Hey man,” he said.

I approached the guy. He was definitely the same guy I'd chatted with, but not what I expected. He was taller and skinnier than his photos. He had presented himself as a buff gym goer, not a tall twink in basketball shorts. It was hard to believe he was “bi” or “discreet” judging from his voice. But what the hell, I'd already invested an hour of driving.

He led me to his room above the garage, which made me more comfortable. Once inside, we began to make out and he felt me up.

He turned off the light and began to blow me. He stopped to tear open a condom and put it on me. Then he sat on top of me, riding me.

There in the dark, it felt amazing… I pounded him hard, and then suddenly he stopped. “Wait, something’s not right, he said."

And that’s when I noticed the smell. It was putrid. I didn’t say anything, but my chest and body felt warm. The guy got up and switched on the lights.

There was shit everywhere - on the bed, all over my legs, even a hand print on my chest. And my dick looked like a fudgsicle.

“I’m so sorry man," he uttered. "Hold on.” He ran to the bathroom and started the shower, leaving me there covered in shit.

So I got up and walked to the bathroom, and pulled the shower curtain open. “Umm, dude, I need to shower and get this shit off me.”

After cleaning up, I quickly put my clothes on. He apologized again, and offered to get me off.

I politely declined.

Have you been taken for a ride?

We love a good story from the dating crazy train. It makes us feel better about our own dysfunction!


Submit your craziest sexcapade or disaster date, and we'll edit it for the site.


No need to include your real name. All stories will be attributed to "Contributor" if selected.